Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Visionary ∆∆∆ Teen Wolf S03E08

This week's recap is a flashback to all the dead people from the last three seasons. Doesn't look good for our character of the week!

Baby Der'
Speaking of, we start on baby Derek runnin' through the woods. He's getting hunted, and those weird dog whistle spikes make a cameo. He runs into an Asian werewolf (!!!!!!!) and... promptly watches him get shot through the neck by Blue Eyes. Another Hale pops up and spirits Derek away from the hunters.

Back in the present day, Cora is telling the story to Stiles. Stiles is all, "Yeah, but that doesn't really explain why he's always grumpy and where he's run off to." Peter wanders in into the room and moans, "Learn why his eyes turned blue and you will learn the truuuuth!"

Meanwhile at Colonel Grandpa's room, Allison brings Scott by. Scott uses his werewolf-y healing powers and Gamps is all, "Okay, I'll talk."

Back in 20??, baby Der is pissing some poor, Allison-looking cellist off with his constant popular boy basketballing (whassup, movie reference!). She goes to get him to stop, he flirt taunts her, then comes into the room away from his buds to apologize a little, and flirt a lot. We learn her name is Paige and she TOTES has a toner (musical boner) for Der-bear.
I can see your toner through your pants.
Back at Gramp's house, Alli tells the Colonel that there was a third doctor murder right after last ep. Like, during the preview for this week's episode. Tigh's all, "That was fast! Sounds totes suspic to moi. Y'all should probs murder the vet, he sounds like he's the Darach and he knew he was gonna get rescued." Then he exposits that he used to have cancer, which is gone now, but he has mysterious black goo running out of his every orifice (ew!). Allison's like, "Ciao, bello. We's going to sleuth where people don't obfuscatingly bitch about their medical conditions." So Gramps hooks her back with "Deucalion: blind, but sometimes... he SEEEEEEES!!!!!"

Back in flashback city we see that the boy who saved Derek from the hunters was his uncle Peter, at which point Stiles and the audience and the writers who didn't want to have to answer the question all ask, "HOW OLD IS EVERYBODY?" Peter is all, "Lawl, non-answer, go worry about who's going to be losing their shirt this ep!" (Editor's Note: Spoilers, it's no one. D:) Then we see that he used to spy all creepy-like on Derek and Paige making out in an "old distillery" (maybe Derek runs a microbrewery for a job!) because he wants to bone his nephew was Derek's "closest confidant".

Derek hears people coming, so the lovebirds exeunt screen right and we transition into Gramps story as baby Deucalion (now with vision!), Cali, and Ennis all enter, alongside their un-murdered packs! Evidently Ennis is totes P.O.'d that the Argents killed one of his Betas and they've all come to talk to the Werewolf Queen who, evidently, lived in Beacon Hills. I'm guessing this is Der's mom.

A black wolf slow motions into the distillery and... it's Talia Hale! (Deuc is totes all boners in when she shapeshifts, btw. He's probs Der's daddy.)
Derek's mom.
Anyway, Ennis does some spiral graffiti on the wall with his claws, I guess thereby declaring war on the Argents? Oh, it means "vendetta". Sheriff Deputy Dad stops Ennis from collecting the body of the Asian werewolf who died at the beginning of the episode because Ennis wasn't legally married to his life partner pack member.
Has gay marriage passed yet in Cali? When is this episode taking place?
We get some more Paige-Derek romance blah and I am beginning to wonder if that girl is not a ghost that haunts the old music room. She is constantly in there practicing, even when Derek is in class (and presumably she should be too), and she's also ALWAYS the only one.

OMIGOSH, Peter is the creepy ex-high schooler that wanders onto campus to talk to teenagers in the past that Derek is today!
Jobs are fer suckahs!
And he does the product placement for that candy that buys a spot in one episode every season! He says that, much like sponsor candy, Derek the Werepup and Paige the Poltergeist are a perfect combo: She's smart and nuts and dead, like peanut butter, and he's alive and a shapeshifting murderer, like chocolate! Aaaaaand then he advises Derek to turn her because otherwise she'll totes mcghost break up with him. #greatuncle

In the present day, Peter is telling Cora and Stiles the exact opposite, that it was Derek's idea to turn her. Back in the truth-y past, Peter's all, "You're mom won't turn her, get Ennis to do it before he leaves!" Baby Blue Eyes and Colonel Gramps find the Baby Druid Sacrificial site. 

Speaking of Gramps, he's telling Alli and Scott that werewolfery got started when Lycaon, King of Arcadia worshipped Prometheus (see: Deucalion's father) instead of Zeus and tried to test the god's omniscience by feeding him... human flesh! Anyway, the big Z turned Lycaon into a wolf. The TV show adds that he did the same to his fifty sons, though Wikipedia tells us that they were all electrocuted, and that however many wolf-y Greeks there were, all of them went to the druids to get some mad shapeshifting so that they could walk around in human skin.
Best Scene of the Episode
Peter adds that packs have emissaries, aka druidic vets, that hang with them and fix their mystical boo-boos. Deaton was the Hales' (and his sister, Ms. Morrell, is the Alphas') and is evidently a very jaded one in the past. He tells Deuc to bring back-up to his meeting with Gerard. 

Back at BH High, "Derek" has asked Paige to meet him in the unlocked hall. And by "meet him in the unlocked hall" we mean "get Ennis to violently attack and bite her, thereby ensuring that she will totes want to be his gf". 

In the present we get Gerard's half of the story of the meeting between Gerard and Deucalion. Just as Deaton used the fable of the "Scorpion and the Frog" to get Deuc to bring back-up, Gramps references the "Scorpion and the Turtle" to justify his paranoid war-mongering.

Gramps tells the Scoobies that it was an ambush, but in reality he set the trap, murdered Deuc's back-up, and stabbed flash arrows into his eyes (but didn't kill him?).
This is more fun than murder!
Paige dies instead of turning, even though Der uses his 'wolf-healing on her. In the end she asked him to eviscerate her to put her out of her misery. And that's how Derek's eyes turned blue, like Peter's are now!

In the flashback, Deaton tells Deucalion that his sight is gone, then Talia and the vet leave the room. "Marco" (Deuc's lieutent?) tells Deucalion that "he is alone" then sucker-punches him? Maybe in some sort of weird bid for Alpha status? Anyway, Deucalion starts to wolf out and thereby regains his vision (He SEEEEES!), then he murders Marco. The Demon Wolf is born!

As Scott and Allison are leaving, Gramps continues to overshare and mentions that he "got the bite to cure his cancer" which is why he and Paige were coughing up the same black tar all episode. Scott reveals that he knew that Gramps was lying throughout the story, and he threatens Gerard before following his ex out the door.

Stiles and Cora discuss how Peter is an "unreliable narrator" (LOL NO KIDDING) and, in our last flashback, Talia finds Baby Derek post-euthanasia and comforts him. In the present, Derek finds Ennis' old vendetta spiral and decides to renew the feud!

Next week: The Darach goes for Lydia and Allison goes for the Darach (Her dad, in her opinion)!

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