Oh, and does anyone know what geological formation we've opened on?
Isaac and Boyd and Ethan (Alpha twin(k) number gay) and Danny (totes sharing a bus seat; HOT) and research-y Stiles and forelorn Scott are all on the bus to a cross country meet. Scott flashes back to last night's BIG FIGHT. He watches helplessly as someone falls away from him TO THEIR DEATH (TM).
Meanwhile, Stiles is all, "Let's study for the SAT with the word of the day for every flashback episode: anachronism!" BUT WAIT HOLD ON A SEC! Then he does something that Teen Wolf has never done before: says get MORE THAN ONE word of the day!!! Stiles comes in with "incongruous" (definition: exposition to set up the current scene), "Darahk" (definition: "We have to talk about our feels, Scott!"), and "intransigent" (definition: "Scott, why did you insist on coming to the track meet when you were so mortally wounded at last night's Sock Hop?")
And in response Scott says... OMGOSH THE DEAD ONE IS DEREK!!!!!!!
Now that the reveal was made, we get to see that the girls are fine. Allison and Lydia are stalking Scott to make sure they're there when he kicks it and Lydia is all, "Hey, Allison, can you do the first full flashback?"
Allison's all "Sure thing!" and suddenly I'm all, "Do we have to watch this entire episode in this weird filter???? Isn't sepia an anachronism?"
Scott is all, "I found your arrow 'cause I'm a teen werwolf GUMSHOE. Why are you breaking your non-interference pact? You could get hurt!" (<-lawl allison="" amiright="" guy="" i="" like="" m="" s="" smarter="" than="" this="" you="">Editor's Note:-lawl>Who isn't, eh?), but then her nail breaks and she's INSTANTLY cowed.
Then Scott meets Deucalion in the elevator...
And nothing happens. Also, whose flashback IS this now??? Unless Allison has some Oracle-esque security feed hacking powers she never mentions or uses, I'm pretty sure she can't have seen this.
Scott goes to Derek's lolololoft where the Hales and Boyd are planning a preemptive strike on the Alpha's apartment, which is right above the Argent's apartment, (LOL; also, why did Allison and Blue Eyes move to an APARTMENT when they can afford a HOUSE? And why did they choose one that was 50% Allison's room??) because they totes found out where the Alphas lived yesterday and were all, "Should we tell McCall? Naaaaah, he'll be fiiiine."
We see, in the incongruous scene above, that Boyd got cut by Mark-Saling-from-Glee Alpha. So why isn't he whining as much as McCall on the bus? #character
Back at the Hale House, we get that the plan is to ONLY MURDER Deucalion, and then everything will be fine and daisies! Scott is all, "Uh, ...I know what a hydra is!" Peter's all, "Yup, this plan is DOA. LET'S DO IT!"
Back in Allison's car, we get some Lydia-thoughts:
Lyds tells Alli that she's TOTES MCGHOST 4RUHL not boinking Aiden (LAWL) and that they need to stop for gas. Allison freaks and is like, "We can't miss a minute of this exciting car chase!!!"
The traffic really gets to Boyd and he starts wolfing out. Scott flashes back to the elevator ride of evil where Deucalion threatens the Argents, talks about sacrifice, and reveals that he has been evilly riding the elevator all day waiting for Scott to finish pashing Allison and hear his evil rant! Then Scott flashes to watching Derek illustrate the truth-i-ness of Deuc's hot air by taking Mark-Saling-Alpha over the edge. (Unfortunately, this is only figurative...)
Cora and Peter are spending the day looking for Derek's body, but no dice at the scene of the crime. Also, Cora, like Boyd, is not suffering from her wounds...
Scott stops Boyd from homo-ciding on school property (again) and Isaac is surprised that Scott is still injured. Stiles starts texting Danny like The Trick Who Wouldn't be Blocked (Coming this summer from TLA Releasing!) to find out why Ethan is constantly checking his phone and Danny's all like, "NO I AM SO CLOSE TO SEALING THE DEAL STOP TRYING TO GRINDR ME, STIIIIIILEZ." Anyway, Stiles' non-stop dick pics work and, in a jealous attempt to win back the attention of his studly seat
meatmate, Ethan tells Danny that he's 4sure worried about his sick friend. What if he doesn't make it through the night?! What if he never sings a sweet duet with his bi-racial half-brother EVAR. AGAIN?!?!
Stiles: "I think he means Mark-Saling-from-Glee!" #genius
Stiles: "I think he means Mark-Saling-from-Glee!" #genius
Speaking of, we find out what happened to Ennis's body: Morrell, Aiden (twin(k) number str8), and Hippie Alpha all carted it off to Dr. Deaton's office for puppy repairs! After displaying some sort of ability to turn off Cali's glow-eyes (cajones?), Dr. Vet acquiesces to Morrell's plea that he heal the Glee-ject. What is Morrell and Deaton's relationship, btw? Siblings? Exes? Spy buddies?
On the bus, the nerdy track-guy gets lines! This track team is really different (read: not shirtless) from the lacrosse team... Especially given that ALL the lacrosse guys were supposed to join!
Stiles and the girls have a conference call about Scott's wounds and decide they need to take him to a hospital so he can be surrounded by strangers when he dies. Coach steals the scene (INO INO! Lock me up, I must be CRAY) by taking a page from The Catherine Tate show and pulling a Lauren when Stiles tries to get him to pull over. (#quality) So Stiles decides to FINALLY TIE UP A POINTLESS PLOT THREAD and make nerd-track-guy vom. (The word of the day should have been "cudgeled by foreshadowing", amiright?)
The Scoobs miss the hospital, but they do make it to a stank-as public restroom. Everyone is confuzzled by Scott's inability to heal, especially given that IT WAS ESTABLISHED THAT YOU CAN'T HEAL FROM ALPHA WOUNDS. But that's not the answer, b/c Lydia belittles the nards with some brainy realness: "Y'all need to stop reading those lame SAT words. This is somatoformic: all from his psyche." #HOTTEST-ER She decides they need to pretend-doctor him so that he will get pretend-better.
Lyds and Stiles go off to stall the bus (...how?) while Allison hallucinates her mother is alternately berating her and helping her sew up Scott's wounds. #healthy
Shirtless Boy Count: 1
Awesome Eaddy Count: 1
(Best scene in the ep! Well, after Lyds' thermo HW, of course.)
Scott sees the stitching and starts remembering the fight scene. Allison and Lydia decide to join the boys on the bus since the car is petrol-less. Evidently, this whole Derek-dying fight happened because the Hale-clan followed Scott and his bf Isaac to a peace talk (...in an abandoned mall?) with Deucalion. AND THE TWIN(K)S WERE THERE!!??!!!
Speaking of Isaac, the little bundle of damaged goods has beaten Boyd to the punch and is punching a beaten Ethan. Scott stops him, like a hot Alpha, but I left wondering where Danny was when his paramour was getting punched! (Editor's Note: Also, Ethan super Os in this scene.)
Everyone else is converging on the vet's office. Deucalion arrives and straight up one-handed MURDERS his recovered lieutenant (filming conflicts with Ryan Murphy, y'all). Deaton (and the audience) are like, "WTF??? You're still paying for this (pointless) surgical miracle!"
Cora and Peter figure out it isn't Derek in the vet's when Cali "Kaaaaahhhhhhnnnnnnn!"s out her emotions in the parking lot. Obviously, this sets off all the car alarms. (Editor's Note: lol what? how? teen wolf)
Back at the mall, e'erbody fights.
Also, check out the SFX for McCall's transformation in the scene. It's kinda the best werewolf transformation I've ever seen...
The Alphas win like they're eating a bowl of cereal. Deuc tells Derek to kill one of his pack and join team Demon Wolf, while also giving a saucy wink to McCall like, "Sandy, you're the one that I REALLY want."
Then, BLAMO! Allison deus ex machinas in and electro arrows the twin(k)s apart, then flash arrows Cali so she can't see. Blue Eyes told her to "thread the needle" (i.e., not piss anyone off), so she doesn't actually wound anyone, but her cool-as archery costuming is very arresting. With everywolf distracted, Scott impetuously goes after Ennis. This is DUMB, so Derek has to save him, and that leads us to the over-teased "Alphas over the edge!!!!" moment.
On the bus, Lydia and Stiles decide that the druidic sacrifices are the real Big Bad and that the Alphas are there to fight it. (Editor's Note: Whew! I'm glad this unimportant side story got some completely unrelated development!) Allison and Scott say "I'm sorry" and Scott is wearing the spare shirt he keeps in hammer space. Oh, and, SURPRIZE!, Derek shows up too! He spent the whole episode waiting in the parking lot for Jenny instead of going to anyone who could actually help him. #brill
NEXT WEEK DANNY AND ETHAN HOOK-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess Ethan didn't care that Danny wasn't putting himself in between his face and Isaac's fistigons! This looks like the Saw-genre homage: one room has gay sex, one room has Jenny/Derek hurt/heal fic, one room has Allison and Lydia (hunh what why yuri?), one room has Isaac being tortured, one room has the twin(k)s going psycho with a circular saw, and one room has Boyd all crazy again. This is gonna be AWESOME!
One last comment before signing off: evidently we have dropped the conceit that Alpha injuries are hard to heal from? Or maybe going to the vet (LOLOLOLOL) after a brawl is so normal for the Scoobies now that it's just not shown in the eps anymore? Either way, the power of Psychic Alpha Claws (TM) just got MOAR psychic, which I'm okay with. As long as they still work on shirts, that is.