Woof! Well, we definitely get some man candy right off the bat: a cute boy with a lot of feels for his cute pup and some baleful eyes for our woefully straight hero!
"Hopefully someone has diddled me or I am D-E-A-D."
Welp, Scott, vet-in-training, finds some mistletoe in the dog's stool. And we all know what that means: occult sacrifice #4! This time it's an "It" homage, which just goes to show you that pretty boys need to study their classic horror mosters!
Blake Calendar is feeling the PTSD from her run in with the Wolf-gelus twins, but no worries, that tingle at the back of her neck is just unnaturally cute'd up Derek coming to flirt with her! With LITERARY BRAINS! Calendar takes the cake in this scene, though, with her perfectly earnest McCarthyism joke:
Calendar: I have to teach the Crucible in 5 minutes! (so you should probs change into something a little more pants-less)
Derek: I read that play! McCarthyism!
Calendar: "Is that a subtle clue that I should keep quiet??" #realpanic #forthelulz
GRRRRRRRL, u the buuuhhhhhst!!!!!!!!!
Thankfully, we switch scenes to the show's best setting, the boys locker room! Stiles and Scott talk about boy-ginity and murder and then Danny is awesome.
"I boink people to save LIVES."
The Coach tells us that EVERYONE IS A LARD BUCKET and so every boy character has to run 100 miles of cross country EVERY DAY, SHIRTLESS so they get nice and twink-y unlike THESE CLOWNS:
#bodyimage (Shirtless boy count: 2)
Isaac gets cruised by the Alphas, then they tie him up, and then, just as things start to get hot and heavy...
...a screamer finds the late bloomer from the start of the ep strung up by his dog's leash.
You know, Jeff, when I said I wanted one less virgin in Beacon Hills this is NOT what I had in mind.
Anyway, Sheriff Dad was hiding in the bushes the whole time, so he quickly rushes up and shoos all the characters away. Some blonde sees the body and is all, "No, no! Why did I wait until we attained emotional maturity before deflowering him?!!?" and Isaac-the-blond is all, "The twins did this!" Stiles, on the other hand, is like, "Uh, nuh-uh, derrrr", so Isaac is all, "Scott, which of your boyfriends is right??? (Actually, psyche, I don't care I totes have a murder-boner for the twin(k)s, PEACE!)"
At Chez Hale, Cora and Derek have a sibling work-out/emote-out when suddenly THE ALARM GOES OFF NO JOKE ZORDON IS CALLING AND HE NEEDS FIVE TEENS WITH ATTITUDE (and claws)!
Actually it makes even less sense than that. Hippie Alpha and Mark-Saling-on-Steriods Alpha walk into Derek's unlocked house and stab him with a pipe. (WTF?)
Oh, it's all just pretense so Blind-o McHottie can make his villain speech. Evidently, Deucalion wants Derek to kill his pack so he can join the Alpha pack? Because all of them murdered their pups?
"I'm not a villain, I just killed a bunch of people after I made them dependent upon me by ruining their lives!" - This Guy
Allison is tired and hallucinating about her mother (YES LET'S KEEP EADDY EMPLOYED), but Ms. Morrell ain't playin': it's time for our Mid-Day Lycanthropy Secrets Showdown! Round One: Allison leads with, "What were you doing at the bank last night?" How will Morrell dodge?? "No, what were YOU doing there???" A pithy and low blow for the combo French teacher and guidance counselor!!!! And the result is... Allison gets detention! -_- I wonder which character she's going to primarily interact with?
Isaac is pissed and raring for a fight... So the Alpha twin(k)s give him one: The straight one beats up the gay one, Nathan, in a TOTALLY not at ALL SM way and frames Isaac! Isaac gets detention, Scott is pissed, and Danny gets to come to Nathan's rescue ("Hurt/comfort est CHAUD" - Ms. Morrell)!
Back at Crime-Procedural-Teen-Wolf, the Stiles uncovers that Bullet's daddy (Kyle) was NOT a virgin and that Sheriff Dad is bringing the FBI to Beacon Hills. Uh-oh, someone's weird and eldritch god is not going to be happy!
Detention starts, and Isaac and Allison are set up as romantic
distractions interests and/or comic scene partners:
Allison: Yo, betch, don't tell anyone about my helping you kick those Lunites' butts yesterday night.
Isaac: No prob, sadist-who-stabbed-me-a-lot-last-year.
Allison: LOL, good times...
Then, sh!t gets real, for perhaps the first time this ep: Someone closes and barricades the door, trapping Isaac in the small closet and triggering his PTSD from his abusive childhood (remember the freezer his dad would lock him in?). He goes wolf and attacks Allison, but before he can get bite-y Scott swoops in and Alphas Isaac back to normal. (Remember when only Derek could do that? PACK DEVELOPMENTS) Scott, Allison, and Isaac decide they are gonna revenge-hunt some Alphas!
Stiles clues up some clues from Boyd: Kyle and Boyd did ROTC together. Then he bounces theories off Lydia: the killer's new characteristic is puppies! Lyds is all, "Wait, while you were vomming words, did you just accidentally say that Aiden, my hot and annoying date, is an ALPHA?!? Oh, and isn't your dad's job shooting human, serial-killing occultists? #getahobby"
Isaac, Allison, and Scott's revenge on the Alpha twin(k)s is a trick where Aiden (Straight One) gets suspended for Isaac riding AIDEN'S motorcycle through the school! LOLOLOh, those crazy high school shenanigans! ... -_-
Meanwhile, in Derek's expanding puddle of blood, Deucalion finishes his HOURS LONG dramatic pause (seriously, it started before lunch period and ends during the last class of the day), by stating that gestault theory applies to
eating killing your wolf pack, he had a sordid history with Derek's momma, and that he's "The Demon Wolf" (LAWL) who is so loud he can break his glasses by shouting a lot.
(Editor's Note: Despite my better judgment, this scene reminds me of good Tenth Doctor and I love it. #shame)
Meanwhile, at Sweet Valley High, Danny is practicing his trumpeting (the boy sure can BLOW!) and Lydia is drawing a tree - until Danny tells her that she is in the music room, not MAO practice, and the teacher hasn't shown up. Lydia knows what that means: dead body findin' time!
Well, not quite: she finds a cell phone recording of the murder... AND THERE'S DRUIDIC CHANTING!
Stiles recruits the town mystic/vet and Stiles, Lydia, and Dr. Deaton team up to hunt the druidic murderer. Lydia PRODUCT PLACEMENTS the murder clue on the dead prof's PRODUCT PLACEMENT while Stiles rummages for MOAR CLUZ. They find the connection: the newbie murders are soldiers, not virgins! Lydia pulls a hat trick and guesses the next victim: Mr. D!ckhead McScienceTeacher!
While the Scoobies rush to the science room, gang members Isaac and Scott wander down the empty hall reliving their pack fights of the day... Until they run into the Alpha twin(k)s who combine into their gestault form (Shirtless Boy Count: 5, counting their beefed up double-body double!!!!) and kick their butts! They're essentially dead when Demon Wolf shows up and stops everything by whipping out his sword walking-stick (is he, like, the Penguin?) and slicing the twins' pretty faces! "No! Those Gamma wolves are snacks are for Derek!"
My only question is why he was even there. Did the twin(k)s call him for a ride home after their bikes got trashed? Because someone should tell them that he is blind.
Anyway, the Scoobies are too late, but the teach left behind a clue: the Gaelic word for TOTES SITH LORD ZOMG!!!!!
Back at Derek's Moody Castle, the broody Alpha is breaking up with Isaac and kicking him out of the empty, inhospitable loft they
squat in share! It is word for word every heartbreaking scene where the closeted gay dude breaks up his happy queer relationships to pursue an unsatisfying hetero marriage. It is totes sad. D:
But all is not lost! Isaac turns up in Scott's bed room! (#Hott) Looking for a place to stay! (#Hottt) Dressed only in a soaking wet white shirt! (#HOTTTTTTTTT)
"We only have one bed... and none of my dry clothes will fit you..." #fanficprompt
Finally, we catch up with the other skinny white boy caught out in the rain: the science teacher. Evidently he was in cahoots with the killer!!! Oops!
Next week we deal with this whole someone's-got-to-die thing!