Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Teen Wolf 3x03: Fireflies

I started recapping Teen Wolf over at GeeksOut, so I'm gonna cross-post. You can read my episode 1 and 2 summaries over there!

We start out looking at the beautiful night sky, watching some kid and his sister catch fireflies. We get the Theme of The Episode early this time, with the sister basically telling "Billy" that teenage werewolves, like fireflies, need metaphorical air holes and real moonlight otherwise they will become crazed baby killers- Oh, hey, speak of the devil, here's Boyd!
This turn of the screw if short-lived, however, as the kids forget to pour ammonia on the floor of Old Man Frampton's shed (dumb kids...) and Boyd smells them and picks it up by the door and smashes it. Yes, "it" is the whole shed. 
Anyway, the annoyingly didactic kids are about to eat it 4sure when their forgotten firefly jar bumps into Boyd and releases its payload of fireflies! Boyd, of course, HATES AND FEARS fireflies, so he obvs distracted from his veal-meal due to needing to swat them away before they glow on him. 
The kids are ninjas and totally smoke bomb out of there while he's distracted. Awww, Scott saved them with his Kryptonian Werewolf Speed! My ovaries are on overload!
Lydia is totes migraine-y from her nightmares and has been popping ibuprofen like Flintstone gummy vitamins. Anyway, she needs more and so she heads out, but not before noting that, like the rest of the cast, she does have a moon-disease: LUNACY! Her phone must have it too, since she ends up at a murder scene instead of CVS. J/K, it's just a dummy in a swimming pool (wtf?). Just kidding, her hands are covered in blood! The hot night lifeguard WAS MURDERED! 
Scott and Derek are free-running (Scott does a flip!). 
This flip is from later in the ep, but it is much more hilarious. OFF OF A SCHOOL BUS!
Allison is remembering what Scott said about her mom. He told her her mom was a homicidal crazy in a cute way.
Cut to: Some cute lesbians (Lady lovin'!!!!) are about to get it on in their magic deflowering tent. One of them starts hallucinating about bugs and runs into the woods to get eaten teleported by the magic bugs. Back at camp Hippie Alpha and Team White Boys fight over the remaining lesbian.
Stiles shows up at the pool-murder and, LOL, gets mad when Lydia called 9-1-1 before calling him. Never change, Lyds. Anyway, the lifeguard has great pecs (Shirtless Boy 1!) and a purity ring (it literally says "PURITY") and was clearly murdered by not-a-crazy-werewolf. 
Derek is all, "Cora is too slow and gimpy to have made it to the pool by now!" and Scott is all, "Nope, they're murderers, let's call in the exterminators!" Scott goes to talk to Blue-Eyes Argent (who ONLY grocery shops at 11 pm at the Super Walmart) while Derek and Isaac sit in Derek's... cab? Is Derek a CABBIE?!?! 
Anyway, Boyd's first name is Vernon and Scott convinces Blue Eyes to help catch the Deadites Lunites.
Meanwhile, Sheriff Dad is interviewing Caitlyn, but they think her werewolf story is a hallucination from all that X she took. For the camping.  Also, Allison is actually doing stuff in order to catch the Lunites while the boys pose and slow-motion walk like bad-as-es. Blue Eyes uses "Apex predator" and "satiated" in a single sentence and everyone decides it makes sense to trap the Lunites in the boiler room of the school because no one is ever there late, ESPECIALLY in the past year. ESPECIALLY not the hot new English teacher. 
Next is more parkour while Team White Boy strategically places automatic dog whistles around the area in order to... annoy the Lunites into the school basement. 
Olympic material!
Speaking of annoying people into a strategic position, Lydia or Stiles annoys the other one into her room and Lydia says her murderer theory is... PETER! ...Who is recommending that Derek kill his sister. Lovely.
Doctor Mom is putting her murder theory to Stiles (She works in the morgue too, I guess? PROMOTION! DEMOTION!), and it goes like this: RITUALISTIC HUMAN SACRIFICES! Turns out a girl was murdered too, in the same way, but is it Heather or Emily????
We have to wait to find out, because Blue Eyes is noting a VERY IMPORTANT plot point from Lost that the glowing fireflies are an invasive species and their glitz and glamour will push out the dull, dun native California variety. Oh, and the Lunites arrive at school and the trap goes awry (BUT HOW??? THE TRAPPERS ARE SO SMART!)
It's Heather! Stiles has feels!!!! 
Then he flashes to all the clues: purity ring, losing her birthday v-card, losing her lady v-card, bioluminescing, in-heat fireflies... SOMEONE IS KILLING JONAS BROTHERS! 
No worries at the school though, Allison is on the case! She flare-arrows the wolves into the school, then runs away before she can have a line. Then the plan WORKS?! Everyone is shocked. The sound tech plays the triumph music.
Then Scott hears three heartbeats in the basement.
"I have never watched Season 2 of Buffy." - Our Generation's Ms. Calendar
Anyway, Derek distracts the Lunites from Ms. Calendar by getting sliced and diced and manages to survive until sun-up. Then he goes to flirt with the teach and Stiles tells Scott that the human sacrifice plot line is called "Three-Fold Murder" and that SH1T B CRAY.
Hey, just for fun, let's count the virgins in the cast:
1) Stiles
2-4) The Gammas?
5) Stiles
Yup, Stiles is definitely going to be target number Episode7!

Next week, Cali shoves a pipe through Cabbie Derek! That boy catches zero breaks! And fewer fares!

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